nightcrawlers in my 'fridge

 A couple of weeks ago, I voluntarily participated in loading many of Kristi's worldly possessions into our Suburban.  I watched her say her final goodbyes, and then we drove away.  Away from our house, her friends' houses, away from our neighborhood.  Away from her brothers and the town she called home for 15 years.  We did this on purpose.  We meant to.  And then we just drove and drove, and drove. 

Her trip was one-way.  Mine was round-trip.  When I pulled back into our driveway a week later, the Suburban was almost empty.  I grabbed my one suitcase and went inside.  Back to my life.  Except it didn't feel that way.  My life may look much the same on the outside, but it feels altered forever now that my little girl has moved away.  Yes, she'll be back now and then, but it will never be the same.  When she was a cute and precocious toddler, her dad and I used to comment to each other about how we were just so excited to watch her grow up to see who she would become.  It seemed like it would take forever (in a good way!).  Well, after coming home, it's hit me like a ton of bricks that "watching her grow up" has been completed. .  We can cross that off our list now.   Sure, she's not done "becoming" yet, but we won't really be watching it now that her life isn't unfolding in front of us anymore. 

 I will admit that it's been awhile now since I feel like I've done any real parenting with Kristi.  She's a smart, talented, independant spirit who hasn't really needed my help or guidance for what feels like a long time.  I still tried to parent her from time to time, but mostly it was unnecessary and of little use.  She makes good choices and does good things.  And so I just felt like mostly we were friends.  She had lots of other friends too, but every now and then I got to be the one she would laugh and talk and share secrets with.  I hope that part of our relationship will continue.  And I am so grateful for who she has become, and so happy that she has had such a good start to this new and important phase in her life.  But I will forever cherish and miss my little girl.  And I hope we told her and showed her enough times how much we love and adore her.

 And why the title of this post?  Well, as I was unpacking my little cooler from the trip home, I opened the refrigerator to put something away, and sitting front and center was a tub of nightcrawlers.  I thought it an appropriate greeting to my new all-male environment, and it has become representative to me of this current phase of my life.   Kristi would have shared my feelings about having the worms reside so close to the yogurt, but no one else here seems to care.

 One battle Kristi and I fought over the years was the condition of her bedroom.  She told me once that I cared too much about it, and she cared too little.  And the former was what caused the latter.  A few times over the years she has told me that I would miss her messy room when she was gone, and I adamantly insisted I would not.  Guess who was right?  Sniff!!  Maybe if I close her door I can still imagine it having the "lived-in" look.

Love and enjoy your children!  Missions and college may be great things, but they are hard on dear old Mom.